True Mascots

The best Freaks and Geeks episode ever may be The Mascot. Why? Because that huge headed mascot is so silly! Check it out on You tube. And you know what else. The guest actor playing the mascot student is a very young Shia LaBea0uf.


But that is not what got me thinking about Mascots. For that we need to go back a week or two, when I was reading in the sports page about Oakland University almost upsetting 4 big ten college basketball teams this year.


'Is that such a big deal? I asked myself. I mean Oakland and Northern California in general is steeped with basketball tradition and must be a hotbed for basketball recruits. ' But then later in the artricle in noted that the Golden Bears were located in Central Michigan.


'Really? There is an Oakland in the Midwest?' But that isn't really what caught my attention. What really got me was their nickname: The Golden Bears.



O.k., I'm willing to give you that at one time approx. 200 years ago the region where Oakland Michigan is may have been habitat for bears. Maybe to some extent the bear population became part of the local lore, mythology, culture, whatever. But how many generations have gone by since we last saw a bear? Even one scrawny, garbage strewn, scruffy little black bear roaming around the area of the Oakland University Campus? I'm guessing at least 5 or 6 generations. And a mighty grizzly like "Golden Bear?" Ummm, that just has not happen. So what possessed the committee however many years ago who decided on a mascot to choose the Golden Bears as their mascot? Were they all big cereal fans of the Sugar Golden Crisp Bear when they were growing up as kids? Maybe that cereal is made at a cereal plant near by? it just makes no sense. So I started looking around at some of the mascots and nicknames for high schools and colleges. And I found that in most cases, the mascot is not representative of any part of the community or associated with a local identity from that community that the school is a part of. So for your viewing pleasure: I have picked some schools and their mascots. As a public service to those schools I will be offering suggestions for what there mascots truely should be.


1. Ok. This first one is obligatory, and not original. But it needs to be said. The Edina Hornets. And the students of Edina want to be associated with stinging loud ugly nuisance bugs that won't leave my pop alone in August and September because...why? The better albiet not original name, and obvious choice, of course, is the Edina High School Cake Eaters. As in let them eat it...as long as they are not outside in Aug. or Sept. when those pesky hornets are flying around.


2. TheWoodbury Royals. Lots of blue bloods over there in the east metro...huh? We all know what Woodbury is really all about: It should be the Woodbury High School Soccer Moms. The mascot could drive out onto the field wearing "mom jeans" in a minivan.


3. The Hopkins Royals. Again, maybe your typical Hopkins High School student is related to the Duke of Earl 6 generations ago 3x removed, but generally the raseberry king and queen is as close to royalty as Hopkins gets. Might I suggest: The Hopkins High School Recruiters. (See boy's basketball program).


4. The University of Mn. Golden Gophers: Lets get real. I've seen gophers. There is nothing "Golden" about them. My mom as a young farm girl used to trap them and turn them in for a dime a pelt when they were hunted down in the 40's because they were ruining crops in S.E. Minnesota. As her mom used to say, lets call a spade a spade. In Minnesota It is cold up here, we are under 4 feet of snow, and other than Hopkins High School, we can't recruit athletes here to save our collective sports fan egos. We are the Mn. Frozen Field Mice. Runner Up: "The MN tobacco settlement funds." This was the last major victory this state had. Don't mess with our class action law suits baby!


5. The St. Cloud Huskies: This is a variation on a theme I know, but Huskies are sled dogs. Right. Like Oakland's Golden Bears, St. Cloud does not have a glorious "sled dog" history. Perhaps the University of Minnesota Duluth would be more appropriate for these dogs of more northern climates, and you could have the Bull Dogs. Do colleges really want obediant hairy dogs as their iconic image? Perhaps. Maybe Huskies doesn't refer to Canines and is more a reference to the "freshman fifteen" that accumulates after the habitual keg party circuit is joined. And who was St. Cloud anyway? The patron saint of weather fronts? Who names these towns? Yes I know St. Cloud is a perfectly good historical name and I'm sure St. Cloud was a fine and dandy saint from France, but it just doesn't seem to fit that town. Therefore, I propose we rename the town to Not-quite-that-Far-Go, and because of their proximity to I-94 they be renamed the Highwaymen. Or highwaywoman. or Highwaypeople. Come on people, this is not that hard.


6. Notre Dame Fightin' Irish. I understand the history. Catholic. Irish. Yeah I get it. I'm am one. And most Irish are proud of their famous tempers. But the "Fightin' Irish" tends to ring more hollow and lose its relevance more with each passing year. I propose: The University of Notre Dame's "The Most Excellent Network Contract Negotiators" for their ability to sign NBC to a long term contract to air all their football games nationally when no one cares. It is kind of a long nickname, but it will grow on you.


7. The Gustavus Gusties (sorry Patrick), St. Thomas Tommies, St. Johns Johnnies, Augsburg Auggies. Sorry. This Hank Hanky thinks you need to get an original thought or two, MIAC. Thank God some of of you put a little thought into this. The Carlton Carlties and the, Hamline Hammies, or the St. Ben'Bennies might have driven me to committ a mortal sin. So I will leave it up to you guys, figure it out and get back to me. Even continueing the trend of totally bizarre animal would be better than what you came up so far. I don't think anyone has picked Golden Polar Bears, Blue Baby Fur Seals, or Silver Lions in your conference yet. Speaking of silver...I have one suggestion for Augsburg. Since I am an alumni and used to live on a house on their campus back in my younger days. That house had seen better days and has since been demolished and replaced by a parking lot. When I lived in that house, it had several pest variety, including some prize winning "silver fish" bugs. University of Augsburg Silver Fish has a nice ring to it.


So thats all I have for now. But there are plenty more Bilikens, Horned Toads, Hoyas, and Buckeyes out there. Not to mention that every other school has picked the "Spartans." And I haven't even touched on some pro names like the Redskins or Indians...so let me what mascots and nickname you have observed that need to go...and what you would replace them with. Lets get real with these mascots!